I need to stop coming to work sober
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
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