Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
