Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
