Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
