My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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