shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
