I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
