Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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