That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
