Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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