woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
