You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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