can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
