Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
