I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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