dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
