I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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