Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
