my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
