hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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