I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
