I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
