my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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