My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I think I died a long time ago.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
