my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
