i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
