You're earring is so big in my mouth
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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