walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
