I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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