She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
