She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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