I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
