The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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