can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
