just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
