i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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