It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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