i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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