afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
