She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
