i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
