i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
