Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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