You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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