I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
