I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
