Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
