at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
