you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
