Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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