Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Couch. On fire.
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