i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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