I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
