ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
