wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
