Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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