shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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