I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize