Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
