I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
