It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
