Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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