a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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