I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
