i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You can't motorboat a personality
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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