He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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